Thursday, August 7, 2008

What has gotten into me?

Let me start by saying that yes, my dear friend Shaye, I will oficially agree that I blog a LOT. ha ha

Talk about wild emotions tonight! What is the deal? The strangest things touched my heart tonight, and I gotta say I truly feel like a dork because of it. I mean really, they are STUPID. But like my mom always said, you can't apologize for the way you feel. So, I've taken that bit of advice and am trying to figure out where to "place" these odd emotions I'm experiencing since that's what us girls do. Normally I would most likely talk to Kerry about all of this, feel better and go on with my night. Unfortunately for you though, he is at a business dinner, so you get to be my listening ear tonight. Get comfy.

It all started when I was packing up some of my maternity clothes to send to my best friend of 27 years, Marijon. She is about 4 months pregnant with her first baby, and we are soooooooooo excited. I think she and her husband Rance have been married for 10 or 11 years, so this is news I have been waiting for for... well... 10 or 11 years. Now that baby Pernell is on its way, I am loaning LOADS of maternity clothes to her. When I say LOADS, I mean L-O-A-D-S. Since both of my pregnancies occurred in different seasons, I have all sizes for all seasons. This means Marijon is set. And this is good. I am MORE than happy to loan her these things as I know I can trust her with them, (LOADS of them) and I can think of no one I'd rather loan them to. Well, not true. I'd also like to loan them to my sister, but she is not pregnant. :( Hint, hint, Jessica and Josh... Anywho, despite my desire to want to send these clothes to her during this special time, I actually started crying while packing them up for her. How crazy is that? It threw me completely off guard. (For those of you moms out there, I would almost compare it to the feelings you get when you box up or give away your child's baby clothes. It's hard, huh??!! It even hurts a little. Big difference though: baby clothes are little, not big like maternity clothes.) For my own sense of relief, I'd like to try to explain why I feel this way to prove to myself (and Marijon) that I am not insane. First of all, I am so excited Marijon is pregnant, and I am thrilled to take some small part in this life changing event with her. We played baby dolls and mommy and school for years together growing up. Now, we will both actually have our own kids; something we both have always wanted. So in a way, I think I cried because this is special. Very special. Second, as I fingered through hanger after hanger of the "maternity section" in my closet, so many pieces brought back "pregnant" memories. If you know me at all, you know I HATE being pregnant. It is the WORST thing that can happen to me, and I loathe every second. This is why I was surprised to find so many happy emotions attached to each article of clothing. A green dress reminded me of Rhett's baby shower, and some ugly grey outfit reminded me of how miserable I was at the end of my pregnancy with Grant and how I couldn't wait for him to finally get here so I would not feel miserable anymore. These pants reminded me how surprisingly spunky I felt one day between multiple pukings. A certain shirt reminded me of the day I bought Rhett's nursery bedding. I guess I could sum it all up with the statement that the maternity clothes represent a very special, exciting (yet very miserable) time in my life. I feel so lucky to be a mom. I LOVE being a mom. It's all I've ever wanted; and I am a mom x 2!!! How blessed I am. (and how dorky I sound) What a weird thing to make me feel lucky about being a mom. Who knew I would go into my closet tonight and have memory after memory race through my brain (and heartstrings) while packing up maternity clothes for a dear friend???? I learned something tonight while folding each piece and placing it gently in Marijon's box: Can I comfortably say I'm done having kids?? What a huge question. I guess I had figured we were probably done having kids, or at least I was done having kids. Kerry really wants to adopt a baby girl from Russia, and I really hate being pregnant, so I think I've been thinking I'm "done". But stepping over to the maternity side of my closet tonight was, in a way, exciting, and now I'm thinking maybe we should have at least one more. Having a new baby is the most exciting thing a woman can go through, and I hate to deny myself (and Kerry) that happiness for a third time. I can't believe I am saying that. And if you know how sick I was with Rhett, you are probably thinking I am smoking crack right now to be saying this, but it was hard to think that I was sending away my "special clothes", and that I might not ever need them again. As I was folding up the last bit of clothes, I felt the need to call Marijon for comfort and a quick slap of reality. I hope I did not make her feel bad about lending her my clothes. She did not ask for them - it was all my idea. And I'm glad to do it; really, I am. I would have LOVED to have been able to borrow maternity clothes from someone, so I know how much she appreciates this. But I guess I wanted her to know that crazy me was getting a bit emotional over this, and I needed her to remind me they are just clothes that she will return to me. And, she did. I am sure that as soon as she hung up the phone, she probably looked at Rance and said, "She's lost it. I mean, she's really lost it this time!" She certainly has the right to do so because like I said, I surprised myself with all of this. It was random to me; I can't imagine how random it was to Marijon. We talked, and I do feel much better. Now what to do with these baby #3 feelings...

All of this led to my next crazy emotion: How much do I love David Hasselhoff??!!! Did anyone else get extra teary while watching "America's Got Talent" tonight? That 'ole David is so sweet. He's the first to throw in a positive comment to cheer a participant up. He's quick with the thumbs up and the high fives and even the hugs! What a cutie. He's not much of a great singer of German music (ha ha, Garrett & Jessica), but ahhhhhhh, the world needs more David Hasselhoffs.

Well, I certainly feel better. I believe I've expressed my odd feelings in writing and I now feel lighter. I think I'm even typing spunkier now. You know, all of this probably has to do with two things:
1. It was a hard kid day. Both boys did not get up on the happy side of the bed this morning. LONG day.
2. School is starting soon, and I always get a little emotional and extra attached to the kids at the end of the summer - a sort of trying to appreciate-every-moment type thing. It's ridiculous because I only work two days a week, but still, I feel badly about leaving them; especially Rhett.
As Marijon says though, I'll get over it. She's right.